Where God Went Wrong Ch3 Shoe Theory
by Brilliant Idiot
Summary: An Explanation of Shoe Theory and its close relationship to inter-dimensional travel. Sock Theory is also touched upon.


Chapter 3 of _Where God Went Wrong_. This started out as a radio comedy on my Brilliant Idiot site. In this chapter, an explanation of _Shoe Theory_ and its close ties with inter-dimensional travel. _Sock Theory_ is also touched upon.

It is a well concealed fact that human beings excel at discovering laws of the universe for which they totally fail to understand the significance. Take, for example, _Shoe Theory_. Single shoes stranded in the middle highways have been quickly dismissed as the result of human carelessness or as inept attempts to flick something unpleasant off the sole of the shoe.

These dismissive conclusions have blinded humanity to the secret to inter-dimensional travel. Greater curiosity and open minded investigation would have resulted in many questions regarding heaven and the afterlife being answered once and for all, thus changing the nature of human existence.

Instead, it is only after we are dead, that we discover that we have had, all along, the ability to flit in and out of and all around the afterlife, from the moment we learned to untie our own shoes. (Even sooner now that velcro fastenings have been invented.)

The secret to inter-dimensional travel is this: It is not only an inconvenience, but a universal law, that the individual shoes of a pair do not like to be in each others' company. Indeed, they like to be as far away from each other as possible. It is speculated that this fact is a corollary of the 'like repels like' theory of magnetism. Whatever the explanation, this law is of enormous use when you want to travel inter-dimensionally. With practice, the mere doffing of a shoe can be enough to propel one instantly far from your starting location.

This law can be quickly confirmed by observation of the behaviour of shoes around your own household. Next time you kick your shoes off at the front door, go to the kitchen and plug the kettle in for a really nice, hot cup of tea. If, by the time your tea is ready, you return for your shoes, you will find one shoe easily enough, but the second is now nowhere to be found. This theory can further be confirmed with a trip to your wardrobe closet to observe the behaviour of other pairs of shoes in their natural setting.

_Sock Theory_ works in a similar manner and becomes essential when you want to return to your point of origin. It works something like this: As an extension of your shoes, matching socks also do not like to be in each other's company.

However, they have a conflicting law pulling on them at the same time. Unpaired socks have a strong affinity for dresser drawers and washing machines and will be happy to hang out in such places as long as they are unpaired. This can be of enormous advantage. By tossing one sock away, you can be assured that you'll always know where the other one is. If, at any time, you wish to retrieve the first sock, you need only destroy the second one. The newer the sock the better.

This law is useful in conjunction with _Shoe Theory_. One can travel, inter-dimensionally using _Shoe Theory_ – being sure to doff one sock while you are tossing away your shoe. As long as you retain the second sock, you can travel about your destination at your leisure. To return to your point of origin, you need only destroy the remaining sock – and you'll instantly find yourself back with the first one again. You can then retrieve your shoe and your sock and go about shopping for more socks. (In a pinch, sock theory alone can be used for inter-dimensional travel, but this takes the co-operation of a willing, second person who has no living relatives or friends.)

It will only be a matter of time before humanity latches onto the full value of these theories and begins to employ socks and shoes for the purposes that God intended. From there, a brief period of development will ensue before all transportation devices are designed in the shape of shoes or socks. Interstellar travel will then be a mere load of laundry away – and thus will never happen.


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